I Came To Your Church Today

It was another stormy day. I decided I would go to church anyway, because I wanted to be amongst those I loved.

When I got to the building, the service had just started. There was no usher to greet me, but I figured they were busy seating someone else, so I would wait my turn. 

I could see through the window, happy faces, and some who were frowning, but most everyone had found a place to sit. Surely, someone would come and let me in. After a little bit, I knocked on the door. I waited patiently, but no one came.

I could faintly hear the music playing, and see the leader of the service waving his arms and singing a lively tune and much of the crowd joined in. A couple people toward the back kept talking and shaking their heads, but I figured perhaps they were new, and didn’t understand what was going on.

I had been to this church before in the past and was warmly embraced and made to feel at home. But it wasn’t that way today. Instead I stood out in the cold, with the wind howling around me. Shivering a bit I pulled my clothes tighter around me and knocked a bit harder. Surely, someone would hear me.

I saw a few people raising their hands, and the music stopped for a bit. I knocked again hurriedly. I assumed that maybe they hadn’t heard me over the music before. The leader at the front was nodding, and speaking and pointing at different ones near the front. Then everyone stood up, and a bit of murmuring could be heard. Ahh, they were praying. Okay, maybe I will wait just a little bit longer. I don’t want to interrupt them praying for their needs.

Then everyone sat down, and three ladies in bright colored dresses came to the pulpit. One talked a bit, and then they began to sing. I could hear the organ playing over the sound of the words, but I knew they were singing a special song. A few people raised their hands, a couple clapped, and I saw one lady in the back pull out her nail clippers and begin to work on her left hand.

One small face peered at me over the pew, smiled a bit and turned to the man beside him and said something, and looked back at me again. The man didn’t turn his head. The ladies finished their song, and the leader was back at the front.

Hey, there go the ushers, up to the front. Surely one of them will see me this time.  They bowed their heads briefly, and then walked down the aisles, right toward me, but they stopped at the pews, took up the offering and then went back to their seats.

Then a lady got up, I guess she must have been the leader’s wife. She was pointing to a place on a map, and talking and talking, and then she had everyone stand and they prayed again for a moment and sat back down and continued their program.

I figured it couldn’t hurt, so I knocked again once more.  No one seemed to hear me. The leader went back to the pulpit, opened up his Bible and read a few scriptures, and began to speak. I couldn’t really make out what he was saying, it was sort of muffled, but he must have been very direct in what he was saying because his face was red, and with his right hand he was pointing at the crowd and gesturing a lot. He looked back toward me but must have been too caught up in what he was saying to  see me standing there.

Wait, a moment a lady and a little boy are walking directly toward me. Finally, someone heard me knocking. The little boy looked right at me. The lady had to see me. She was coming right this way. No. She turned just past the door and went into another room near the water fountain.  I will wait  just a bit longer for her to come back out. 

The little boy comes out first and starts walking down the hall. The lady comes out hurriedly and catches up to the little boy and grabs his hand. They didn’t open the door for me. They surely had seen me? Maybe they were too busy.

The leader at the front is motioning to people. Some are standing up and walking toward the front. Most are turning to each other, grabbing their coats and talking.  I realize I have stood here all morning and the service is now over. Pretty soon people will be leaving and I never got to spend time with them.

They already had their programs, their singing, their offerings, their speaker, and their prayer.

I came to your church today, but no one let me in.

I wonder if I came to your house instead, someone would answer the door?

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.  Rev. 3:20

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Who Are YOU?

The last Sunday of each month, I help out in Nursing Home ministries that my father leads. Today, at the start of his message he said something that struck me and I think you all need to think about it.

"Usually when we get up in the morning one of the first things we do is look at ourselves in the mirror. Why? What are we looking for? What do we expect to see? Do we expect to see anyone else? Do we look at the wrinkles and the hair loss or color change? What do we see?"

I thought about that during his message and on the way home today and I want to ask you, "WHO ARE YOU?"

Really!

WHO ARE YOU?

Think about that for a while. Do you know who you are?

Turn back the clock five years, ten years, twenty years. Think about the goals and aspirations you had back then, and what you expected out of life. Remember the good times and the bad times. Are you who you thought you would be five years ago? How about twenty years ago. What kind of person were you twenty years ago, and are you the same now?

I know that change can be good. Many of us are not what we expected to be. We are not living the life we thought we would have. But, is it better than what you had expected? Or has your life had many bumps and corners that have changed you? Is it a good change. Would the you from yesterday be satisfied with who you turned out to be?

Think about it.

Consider Samson.

He was born with a purpose. He was a Nazarite from birth. He had a destiny. It was laid out before him and he knew as a child what he was supposed to do. Most of us can say the same thing. We were born into a belief pattern, a vocation, or lifestyle and we never expected to ever deviate from that.

I remember so many times of how strong the anointing was in our churches when I was little, and even though I knew in my heart what God wanted of me, and was willing at the time, I really did not like the direction he was taking me when I was just a little bit older. But I was young. I didn't fully grasp the road I was on, and where I needed to be.

Life can come at you from all sides and before you know it, you are not who you were, or who you expected you would be. Sometimes that is a good thing. Most times, it is not good at all.

Samson thought he had it all together. He tormented the enemy. He would make fun of them, and he had the strength to do so. He made them an embarrassment among their own people, and he was only one man. He knew who he was, but more importantly, he knew who his God was, and he knew God would back him up.

Imagine tying the tails of foxes together and setting them on fire, and letting them run through wheat fields catching fire to the crops. What a destructive young man he was, but he was destroying the inquity of the time. Another time he took a bone from a donkey and slew thousands of the enemy. We are still talking about one man. Samson, destined with purpose, born to be a leader.

And then along came Delilah. Samson already had a promised bride. His plan was set forth before him, and a little bit of temptation got in the way.

Kind of like us right? We have a destiny planned before we are born; we have a purpose for being here, and yet...

In the beginning, Samson thinking he was something special toyed with Delilah too. He made fun of her, and was still destroying the enemies that came into his life. It wasn't a big deal. It wouldn't matter if he just looked, maybe touched it a little. He was still born a Nazerite. He was God's chosen.

And Delilah kept after him. He took his eyes off his destiny and looked at the temptation of what he could have, and he gave in to her seductive spirit.

I wonder how many of us grew up knowing our purpose, knowing who we were, knowing what we were raised to be? How did we get sidetracked? What was our Delilah? Ten years ago what was your expected life?

Some of us, we still act the same way we always did; just not as much. We still go to the places we used to go; as long as it is convenient. We still believe what we used to believe; unless some part of it bugs us.

Some of us grew up in families that go back generations of knowing plans, purpose, and destiny. I wonder what our grandfathers would think of the heritage we are leaving behind?

I imagine Samson thought the same thing when the enemy plucked out his eyes so that he could no longer see what was really good about life. Instead of making his own decisions, someone made them for him. He had no choice. He was the same as the oxen.

Do you ever wonder about blind people and food? Do they get tired of the same things over and over, or are they adventurous in trying new foods? They can appreciate the taste, the smell, the texture, but they don't get to see what they are eating, so they are forced to rely on someone else to make sure what they are getting is right and good.

Sin can blind us too. We take what we are given because we do not have a choice. We are forced to trust others to guide us and to lead us, to make sure we are okay. But like Samson, we end up trusting our enemy to make sure we are taken care of. Really? Five years ago, is this where you thought you would be tonight?

Now I realize not all change is bad. Some of it is very necessary for growth. Some of the things we leaned on when we were younger are no longer available to us, and we have been forced to change, to grow, to become who we are. But, ask yourself again, is this who you wanted to be?

Some of us when we were little wanted to be a fireman, cowboy, movie star, ballerina, etc. For most of us, those were hopes and dreams, but they were not based on reality. However, the bible says that 'while yet in our mother's womb, God knew us.' He knew the plan, the hopes, the dreams he had for our lives. He tried to direct us in those paths, but is that where we are?

I remember times in an altar at church camp where I wanted more than anything to have God's will, but sometimes I have thought is it worth it with all that I have been thru? There have been times where I wanted to run away, not just walk from the graces of God because the battle was just too much. I am sure it is the same for many of you who might read this.

There are things that we begged God for, or perhaps told God we would do in those moments of epiphany and whether or not we believe it now, we believed it then. Do we think God forgot our promises to him?

Sometimes, I feel like if we could only turn back time, do things a bit different, maybe this or that would not have happened. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and undo or change things I have done and maybe change the course of life I have been on. But we cannot. Am I who I expected I was going to be? No.

I am certain Samson thought many of the same thoughts we all did when he was blind and tied to the mill grinding out the meal. Not only was he forced to trust his enemy for his survival, he was forced to make food for them as well. Because of his decisions it changed the course of his life forever. From a leader to a slave. From the anointed to the lost. And all the time he toiled and I am sure cried out to God for forgiveness, he was mocked, laughed at, and treated like an animal by his enemy.

See, even before the enemy took his sight, Samson lost his vision, and it cost him everything. "If only I had not given in. If this had not happened... If only I could go back and do things different!" But it was too late. He regained his vision though that day he begged God to restore his strength. No, he couldn't see, but he caught sight of his purpose once again. He got lucky.

Some are not so lucky. Judas didn't find a place of repentance. Paul said, "Demos has forsaken me (truth) having loved this present world."

I don't mean to come across as judgemental, but look around you. I am sure each of us can look at someone we know and wonder, 'How did they get there? Why did they marry that person? Look at the mess their life is in!' What happened?

How about are own lives? Are we who we thought we would be? Are we proud of what we have become? Do we really know who we are, or have we become blinded by the enemy and we will continue as we are until it is too late?

I was talking to someone the other day about a friend of mind. I know they have been through some tough times, but what was so terrible for them to go to such a level as they have? What was it about their trial that took them down? I know that I personally have been through a lot that no one knows about, and yet I am still here, so what was it that destroyed them? I really want to know.

Was it just some morning they got up and looked in the mirror and did not know who was standing there looking back? Was who they saw not enough for who they wanted to be? Did they remember back to those times of deep committment and feel lost? I don't know. You don't know.

But, when you look in the mirror, ask yourself, "Am I who I expected I would be five years ago? Ten? Twenty? Is my life something I can be proud of and have no fear about? Is my future (children, shelter, lifestyle, needs) headed in a direction that I am comfortable? Who Am I?'

Who Are You?

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Consider the Source!

I find it amazing some times the comments and thoughts that get back to me based on something that was said by myself, or at times even when I have said nothing at all. How twisted some thoughts become when it does not fit into our own ideas about what a person is saying. At times their own paranoia, for lack of a better word, will drive a person to do or say things that at times will literally shock us. Usually it exudes from insecurities in our own lacking that will make us say something about others. Whether or not what is said or not does not really matter if it is not ours to share then we should keep it to ourselves.

"And when she was baptized, and her household, she besought us, saying, If ye have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come into my house, and abide there. And she constrained us. And it came to pass, as we went to prayer, a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination met us, which brought her masters much gain by soothsaying: The same followed Paul and us, and cried, saying, These men are the servants of the most high God, which shew unto us the way of salvation. And this did she many days. But Paul, being grieved, turned and said to the spirit, I command thee in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her. And he came out the same hour. Acts 16:15-17"

Now some would say what was wrong with what this lady said? Nothing. What she had to say was entirely truthful. However, this lady was known for spreading rumors, talking to spirits, backbiting, and in general she was a troubled spirit. She had said so many things that her following the ministry around caused doubt, simply because she had a habit of spreading it thick. It would have been the same in our day as talking to the pyschic hotline.

Most of us have enough common sense to realize that 'psychics' on 900 numbers are for entertainment purposes only, but some get so caught up in 'psychic babbling', horoscopes, or what so and so says, that we would believe anything that proceeds out of their mouth. John 8:44 says, "When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it." This is talking about Satan, but in fact almost all lies have a grain of truth in them, and at times we overlook or excuse the lie for reasons of our own choosing. Excuses can work the same way.

Years ago, my former pastors wife used to say something like, "an excuse is just the skin of the truth wrapped around a lie from the devil." And she was exactly right. However many times the reason we buy into what is said is because of the individual who said it. We have a common bond with this person and so we automatically assume that because we know them, it must be truth. Unfortunately, all of us from time to time tend to elaborate or embellish and what may have been true, no longer is.

And then there are those who are so hungry for a juicy morsel, that they will believe anything anyone says, and the other side of that issue is that there are some well meaning who are so afraid of controversy that they tell everyone what they think they need to hear. I think in some respects it is to make themselves look good, but generally it is because 'I didn't want you to feel bad.'

One of the biggest issues that drives others away from God is the rumors or accusations they hear from people in the church they attend. It doesn't even matter if what is said is truth or not, people get hurt by it. I was talking with someone just a few days ago who was consoling a wounded soul because another individual was telling her husband that the pastor said not to talk to his wife anymore because they are trouble. First off, the pastor would not have said something like that and expected it to be spread to the husband of the woman who it was supposedly about. Yet, the very source of the comment, who if there was any trouble it was from her, went so far as to tell anothers mate the gossip. Seriously? I have heard people say when this one or that one no longer comes back to church that 'they must not have loved God like I do.' It is incredibly sad when we think it is ok to make judgements on others lives based on what we think our spiritually level is. 99% of the time we are wrong.

Now I realize not everyone spreads gossip. Not everyone is a talebearer. But how often do you hear something about a person and wonder if it is true? Or even if you do not think it is true, you still have doubts in your mind, and it colors your impression of that person. It can directly affect that persons life, and it most certainly will have an effect on that persons ability to grow. Words hurt; even true words hurt. And most usually the hurt extends further than we could even imagine.

What is said may affect many people for eternity. So why do we listen to what is said about others? Aren't we just as guilty for listening as those who spread rumors? Doesn't the bible say 'believe a lie and be damned?' And yet, we base our belief based on relationship with the person without 'trying the spirit' when what we should be doing is stopping the conversation because if it involves anything that may injure or otherwise change our perception of a person then it is wrong. It may cost a soul. More than likely it will cost more than one, and how will it affect you personally?

Mark Twain said, "He gossips habitually; he lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of man, his own tongue.” And sadly, as Will Rogers said, "the only time people dislike gossip, is when the gossip is about them." Gossip is one of the most powerful forces in the universe, but we should always consider the source.

Something to think about, The Beatles rock band George Harrison said, "Gossip is the Devil's radio." So where are you getting your news?

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What is a LIE?

Over the past several weeks, I have been faced with situations that I am sure well meaning people thought they were protecting me, but in fact they didn't tell me the truth. That is a LIE!

Somehow, we have gotten the idea that when we know things, even if we are not sure if they are true, we tend to let it out to someone thinking that the way to fix everything is to tell other people. This only spreads the rumors and makes the individuals affected hurt and upset. It does nothing to correct the situation.

So what exactly is a lie?

If you hear something and it doesn't come direct from the individual involved, whether it be good or bad then there is a chance that the information is not correct and therefore, that is hearsay and could in fact be a lie.

There are times when we hear something, but by the time we tell it, it is expanded on some and then the person we tell adds their own take on what they heard from us, and by the time it gets back to those involved it is completely not the truth. That is a lie.

I know that sometimes we realize people will get hurt if they knew what was said about them behind their back, and so we keep it to ourselves, and let the rumors continue, rather than telling the person saying it that they need to stop and they need to talk to the actual individuals involved so that the are aware of whats been said. If we do not, then we are helping to circulate and adding to the fire and perhaps causing detrimental actions to those involved, because we allowed a lie to continue.

I realize there are many circumstances where we would prefer not to get involved, but instead of taking it to the person who it is about, or, telling the person who is saying that they need to stop, then we just allow it to continue. That makes us just as guilty of the lie. We think we are doing someone a favor by not being forthcoming, but in fact, we are more concerned with how others may view us, and in turn we generally really hurt someone who loves us.

More than 90% of lies are generally started by friends or family, and usually it is meant to bring harm to someone.

So why am I bringing this up?

The Bible says, ALL liars shall have their part in the lake of fire.

Yet, somehow we have this idea that it wasn't a big lie, I did it to protect you, it would have hurt worse if you knew, so... how can we not realize then, that what we are doing is still a lie? It doesn't matter the size of the lie, or whether we were doing it for someone's benefit, or thinking it was our way of showing we care, it is still a lie. And ALL liars shall have their part in the lake of fire.

I know lies come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes we don't even realize that we are lying. So, I have compiled a list of lies below for your reference. See if any apply to you?

If you hear something and have not verified it, be it good or bad, and you tell anyone else, then it is a lie.
If you tell someone, you are, or will be somewhere and you are not, or don't show up when you said, then that is a lie.
If you pretend to be something you are not, so that people will think better of you, or less even, then you are lying.
If you say you will do something and you do not then you are lying.
If you act like you are younger than you are, or older than you are lying.
If you well meaning to not tell someone the whole truth about what is affecting them, or even your own life, that is a lie.
If you say I am fine, when the reality is your life is a mess, or you don't feel well, and you think its a way to keep people from thinking you are not a whiner, then you are a liar.
If you say it doesn't matter when someone does something to hurt you, but in your heart or in secret it upsets you, then you are lying.
If you say you made so much, when the truth is you made less or more, then you are lying.
If you don't want to offend someone or hurt their feelings, so you don't tell them what you know, that is a lie.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. We have this idea that only the lies that we tell knowing full well that we are lying is wrong. But that is A LIE!

So, when you get where you are going, and you stand there thinking you are ok, knowing full well that you did some of the above, do not be surprised when you go the other way, because you believed a lie, and all liars, and those who believe lies shall be damned. Look it up, it is in there. And that is not a lie.

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Bring Back Truth and Holiness! Or Get Out Of The WAY!

I admit, tonight I am angry. In times past, some have told me I am too angry to be 'apostolic.' That somehow I shouldn't rock the boat or that I am trying to bring division. And on some level they may be right. However, there is a pervasiveness happening amongst our faith that is sickening and I feel like vomiting all over their shoes.

We like to be passive in our relations with others rather than standing up for what we believe. We think somehow if we keep being nice and play the game that somehow people will be won to Christ. Meanwhile our churches, our fellowships, our homes are filled with lies of the enemy and we serve God out of convenience rather than duty and honor. Even if we do win a few, how long will it be before they are just another face in the crowd as we line our pocketbooks?

The past several months I have been faced with trials that have seemed insurmountable. If it had not been for a few online friends, I may have succumbed to the pressures of life. I don't really have friends left in the church I attend, with the exception of a few who are related by marriage or such like. Even they have grown quiet rather than stand up and say the changes happening are wrong. I have sought solace with a few online who have seemed to be dedicated and true. I have spent countless hours being a friend to those who have been hurting and in turn being lifted myself. But I find myself seething tonight as I find out most of what I was led to believe was lies.

I want to say tonight in all sincerity, that it doesn't matter how much you drop in the offering plate. It doesn't matter if you sit on the front row of your church and dance everytime the music plays, or shout and amen the preacher. If you do not live the life when you leave that building, or you lie to your brother or sister, even the small lies, then you are not right with God.
It is a sad commentary the stories I am hearing from so-called friends who want to serve God, live holy, and even raise their children up right, but when they are faced with indecision or something hurts their feelings, their holiness and truth goes out the door. They give in to the pressures of life simply because they think they can repent later and that God will be okay with it all. We seem to forget that while it is true God is a God of Love, He is also a Consuming Fire!

Our spirituality means nothing if we play the piano on Sunday but do not dress, act, or live holy the rest of the week. We can sing and shout and run the aisles, but if we think we are fooling those around us, we really aren't. And God is not fooled at all.

How can you talk about how much you love the Lord, but cannot wait until you meet so-and-so, and when you do you excuse your behavior as an accident? The bible says emphatically not to lie. It also says "he that knoweth to do right, and doeth it not, to him it is a sin." Yes, I realize some of the doctrines we have held up as truth are only our personal convictions and we cannot back up with scripture. However, I have seen so many compromises over the past several years that have been swept under the rug. And while it may be true that this or that is not a sin, when we have let down on what we have believed or been taught in the past there is a destructive spirit that has come into our midst. The church is no longer a place of refuge but a social gathering.

I say in the fear of God, that if we do not get our act together and quickly, then the fire of God will refuse to fall upon our minstries and He will take his spirit from us. We are kidding ourselves if we think we are what we are supposed to be. Mark it down, judgement is going to come to the house of God. It just depends on whether we are staying holy or in the way of the move God wants to bring to his church.

There is a reason the scripture is in the bible that says "two will be in the field, one will be taken and the other left, two will be grinding at the wheel, and one will be taken and the other left, two will be in the bed, and one will be taken and the other left." Somehow, we have forgotten that the easiest sin to do is to lie. It comes when we make excuses for our behavior, or when we get caught doing something we know we shouldn't, or when we pretend to befriend someone, all the while knowing we are only friends because we want something from them. The second easiest is apathy. That word simply means we don't care enough about what is happening around us to do anything about it. We cover it up by saying. "We are praying for you," or "let God handle it." Truthfully, we know usually that something isn't right, or that we are complacent, but it is too much of a bother to do anything, so we sit and grow lukewarm. There is a possibility we will regain our fire, but the person on the pew next to you may not. I guess that is okay with us.

I wonder what would happen in our churches, if God took the blinders off our eyes and we could see every sin that each individual, in the pews or the pulpit, has in their life, floating over their head. Would we scream? Would we still listen to our pastor? Would we run from the church in terror that everyone knows my sins? Or would we run to the altars and take those next to us with us?

I know in my own life, I am far from perfect. There are things in my life that I struggle with and that I desperately need God's help with. However, I am so sick of phonies and pharisees, that I have come to the determination that I am going to do something to change things. I realize I will not be popular, and most will hate me most likely. But something has to change. It has to return to the values and principles that were ingrained in us, when we first found God.

We don't need new programs or methods to reach the lost. What worked in the past, still will work. We don't need new songs, because the songs we sing are outdated and boring. If God blessed and the power fell back then, it still will when the sisters cries unde the anointing as she sings. We don't need to add strobe lights, and rock bands to our churches to get the young people involved. We need to teach them respect for the house of God and get them in the prayer rooms on their knees where we should be too.

It seems to me as the size of our congregations grew, and as we replaced those hard wooden pews with padded seats, we also padded our message and we pushed God out the door. Bloody, disgusting truth of what happened on Calvary has been replaced with a pasteurized version that everyone can swallow. Basically, we have put makeup on our ministry and sexed up our religion.

But, it isn't the prettiest saint that is going to be the first in line thru those pearly gates. It is the pure and undefiled before God that are going to be the only ones making it in. Truth is not a multiple choice decision. It is either truth, or it is a lie. We need to get back to core values, spending as much time in prayer and bible reading as we do in paying attention to the news or to our favorite tv show or even novel. Actually, if we spent half as much time in serving God, as we did in other things, we would see a revival that would shake our world.

Someone is going to do it. Is it going to be you? Is it going to be me? If you cannot stand living holy and doing the right thing, then step aside, because it is coming and if you aren't part of it, you will be run over. So get in it, or get out of the way.

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When God Isn't Enough

I am sure some have seen the title and already are judging and saying that God is always enough, but before you respond, read what I have written.
We preach it, sing it, shout it from the mountains that God is enough. He has the ability to carry us, provide, deliver, heal, and provide all we need. While that is true, there are times when God is not enough.

Maybe to some I am having a pity party, but I am not alone in that.

I am going thru things right now that are crushing me beneath the weight. Some of you may know some of it; very few know most of it, and no one knows all of it, but me and God. As a general rule, I stay vague about myself. I am not looking for sympathy, and I do my best to keep my private life private. I guess in a way you could say I am bipolar, because what most of you know about me online is not the complete me if you knew me personally. However, I will not share all of it, but there are times when God is not enough, and I want to explain why I feel that way. I do this with great trepidation but, I am tired of bottling it up.

I have had health issues a long, long time. Almost fourteen years have gone by since I found myself going from healthy, comfortable, and constantly ministering, to where I was too sick to get off a couch. It was a literal hell. Doctors couldn't figure it out. Family and friends walked away, and the church... well they acted like I was a leper. I won't go into more of that now, but maybe someday.

After several years of the loneliness that comes from multiple health issues and people not knowing what to say when God doesn't heal, a friend came into my life. She was apostolic, involved in a music ministry, and at the time she became my everything. Within a few months she rescued me and took me to where she lived, married me of course, and changed my life forever. I loved her children as my own, and for the past several years, they have been my children.

Somehow, we ended up back where I was from, and we came with no preconditions. Since my wife was vey musically talented, she offered to help, and I offered to help any way I could. I had at one time assisted the former pastor. I knew the ropes. I could offer advice, or do whatever was asked of me. Somehow, they got the idea, not from us, that we were there to 'take over' as someone so nicely put it. That was never the plan, there was no plan. However, from that moment, we were treated as outsiders from most in the church and especially the pastor. I didn't understand it. I tried to pray about it, seek advice, but none of it mattered.

I did what I could, but I sat on the sidelines and watched that church die. Oh, it still has a pulse, but its not at all what it used to be, or what it could be. Don't offer to help though. Unless you have deep pockets you won't be considered.
I know I sound bitter, and perhaps I am a little.

Anyhow, over the past couple years, after seeking the mind of God about leaving, staying, or what to do in general, my wife and I decided to start a church. It wasn't just about how we were treated, people were showing up at our house who we didn't know and asking us about God. We did a lot of soul searching, tried to leave, prayed for a new minister to come, did everything because we did not want to start trouble.

However, last spring, everything started falling into place. Someone I had never met called and offered to pay six months on a building if I could find one. My wife was excited, telling friends at work, people in the grocery stores, and planning to take a big family photo and splash it all over the newspaper.

It was exciting, we found a building we could use for up to five services a month for $250.00.

Three weeks later, my wife comes home from work, tells me she and the kids are moving to Texas, she has another 'man' and that we should have never been married. Around the same time, the doctors diagnosed me with leukemia.

My whole world crumbled.

I tried to find comfort in the church, but I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. It was basically non-existant. It still is. Yes, I still go to church, but for the most part I don't see any reason to. The few people at church who do talk to me are 'praying for you.' Although there are those who tell me the leukemia and the divorce is because I am in rebellion to the pastor, or that I must be running from God.

Please understand, I know I am not the only one who goes through trials, I know I am not the only one who is sick. I also know that when I had friends going through things, I was there for them. I do not understand why they cannot be there for me.

There is a lot of things I do not understand, and yet, his word gives direction to issues like these but it seems that part of the bible does not matter.

Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.

I guess what I am trying to say is we cannot pick and choose which scriptures we listen to. I have served God my entire life. I grew up on a church pew, I have been a minister, evangelist, sunday school teacher and director, youth pastor, and on and on. Yet, I am like so much drivel tossed aside when trouble came to me.

And I wonder, is it just me? Did I do something to deserve this? Or is this how everyone from new convert to elderly saint gets treated when the 'church' doesn't know what to say?

You don't know how it will change someone's life to invite them out for supper. Or perhaps see if they want to go shopping with you, or maybe take them a loaf of home baked bread, or a pie. But instead, we get so caught up in our own lives we neglect the ones who need us the most, because, we must be about the work of the Lord.

Does anyone visit the widows and orphans anymore? Does anyone still visit the sick, the backslider, or send them a card or anything? We can pray til we have no words left to say, but sometimes all that is needed is a listening ear, and it seems no one has that anymore.

I know you think I am whining. Kind of like Elijah did, Moses did, David did, Joseph, Jeremiah, Jonah... and yes, even Jesus was lonely. He just wanted someone to spend a little time with him in prayer, but they couldn't make the effort. We all think we are the one who is different. If we were the one asked.. we'd be the first to do everything to help.

I joined everyonesapostolic with that in mind. I needed someone to confide in. I needed a listening ear, and maybe some advice. I had never been thru a divorce before, let alone leukemia. I knew there were other apostolics online who had been thru things, so I decided to try it out.

I made a couple of 'close' friends who I was willing to listen to and I opened up to them some as well. I was finding strength in the midst of the storm. I had a shoulder to lean upon if only online or a phone call. I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. One called me almost daily to make sure I was doing good; went so far as to invite me to move to where they were, and even had me talk to their child on the telephone. They gave me reason to believe I mattered, and that they wanted to be a part of my life, even if it was hard. But just like always, in a flash they were gone. The three I opened myself up to, trusted, and gave me a glimmer disappeared in the dust.

I guess that is the way it is. Maybe I shouldn't trust anyone. Maybe I should just live a solitary life, because it seems that anyone who gets close to me, God yanks away. I find myself wondering what is wrong with me? But is it really me? Is it God? Or have we become so content with who we have become that we ignore those who need a lift once in a while? Is our own wants so important that we don't care who we hurt in the way to our goal?

I am sure there are some of you after you read this will turn and walk away and I will never hear of you again. Why should you be any different? If we are not always happy go lucky, take it all in stride, don't make waves, then no one wants to get close. I understand that. I don't like negative people.

But I am tired of complacency. I am tired of bottled up anger or grief. I am tired of talking to people who are literally going thru hell and trying to help them out when I have a hell of my own to contend with. I am tired of being vulnerable only to have it shoved in my face. I am tired of hearing about miracles, I want to see one in my own life.

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone else? Am I the only one who feels this way? I seriously doubt it.

I guess the answer I have been searching for is to not let anyone close. Just shut my mouth, not make waves, and just take it like a man. Maybe I am just not worthy.

It is a new generation. We are in a sinking ship, and there are only a couple of life preservers left, and no one is willing to take a chance that they are the one who can save someone else. Life perservers can usually hold a lot of weight. Would it hurt to help someone else stay afloat for a bit? All it would take is wrapping your arms around them and letting them know you will help them hang on.

Naw. Let them sink. It's what everyone else does.

Could God create a boat just for them? Sure. Could he bring about a miracle just for the one in need? Sure. Could he change the situation? Sure. But sometimes, he needs our help.

There is nothing like the feeling when that person you brought to church gets the holy ghost. There is nothing like the feeling, when the person you prayed and fasted for gets their miracle. There is nothing like a hug to someone who is lonely.

Can God do it himself. Sure. But just like God cannot make anyone love him, he cannot make anyone love us. There are times when even God isn't enough.

He hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him. He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise him; he hath put him to grief.

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Do They Know I Am One Of Those?

While browsing the internet today, I came across a story on CNN about people who wear their faith on their sleeve. You can read it here for yourself.

It got me to thinking about my own life, and the lives of those around me.

There was a time when you could go the grocery store and pick out the Pentecostals or Apostolics. Not just because you saw them in church, but everyone knew who they were. We acted different, talked different, would walk away if someone started to tell a dirty joke. Our hair was different. People knew we didn't watch television or movies, and even though they thought we were wierd, they treated us with respect.

Even if we were not over the top witnessing, those around us knew what we believed, and had either visited themselves, or knew someone who did. They had heard the stories of how we did crazy stuff, shouted in church instead of sit there solomnly, and while it was scary it was a bit intriguing. We had them curious.

In church recently, I overheard a couple of pew-raised youth talking about the "awesome special effects" in the movie they just saw. When I go around town, I don't even always recognize those from my own church, because they don't look the same.

I have been told its the change in generation, but we have blended in with the crowd. We don't look different, except at church. I hope we still talk different, but I have my doubts. Our conversation should still be holy, but with television in most of our homes, video rentals (it doesn't appear so much like we are part of the world that way), how can everything that proceeds out of our mouth be something Jesus might say? It used to be popular to wear those WWJD bracelets, but now .. if it doesn't have some garish logo or something that looks grunge, our youth won't wear a shirt that says anything about Christ.

Our older generation for the most part seem complacent with things being as they are, because after all, 'we are praying about it.' Everybody prays, no one does anything.

I have a young friend who is a charismatic preachers daughter. You know the ones. They don't act like we do, they can't possibly have the same holy ghost, and well.. you know. Last fall, she was beaten and nearly raped by the son of preacher. She was missing for two days, and we worried she was dead somewhere. She walked home barefoot, with torn clothing, all battered and bruised, and no one stopped to help her. She walked more than 15 miles like that, and tried to rest on the street when she was too tired.

I talked to her and her sister the other day, and she has forgiven the guy who did it. Not only that, she became friends with him. My first reaction was how could you? Are you crazy? You know he has been abusive to you. But she told me, "that yes he grew up on a pew, but he doesn't know the Jesus I know. Maybe somehow, I can lead him to the truth."

Part of me thinks she is playing with fire, but part of me is ashamed of myself. I am not like that. When I hear what she went through, even I want to get a bat and send the guy straight to hell. But she has completely forgiven him. In her voice, you can hear she is christian. I wonder if my voice says the same thing?

But, I keep thinking to myself, do we still live the life we used to be laughed at for, or have we mutated into something that still looks the part, but only when its convenient. Do they still know we are different?

Just yesterday, someone who I had a lot of trust in, told me about things that have happened at National Youth Congress, and he was bragging about it. I am still in shock about it today. I honestly don't know if I would allow my daughter to go because of what he said to me.

The bible says "by their fruit, ye shall know them." On the CNN article, those men are abused, laughed at, criticized for their faith. Yes, they don't know God like we do, but can we still say the same about us? The bible also says we 'are a peculiar people.' Are we still?

Do they still know we are the ones to run to in a time of misery? Do they see Jesus in us? Are we still the shelter, the hospital, the cleansing station?

I haven't heard the songs that used to bellow out from our pews in years, about the blood, the cross, the sanctity of our worship. The other nite at the end of service, people were in the altar, and I felt the old standby song we used to sing, "Here I am Lord, Here I am." It used to be a call to worship and pour ourselves out before the Lord, but instead it was replaced with something with a beat, and no real submissive spirit to it. The worship lingered for a bit and was gone, and then off to the local eatery.

I feel sad tonight. When I look at the chaos the world, the financial ruin we are headed for, it truly feels like the end to me. We hear the stories of this one or that one takign their lives or the lives of their family, because they don't know how they are going to support them. Our government is taking over everything it seems, and those in real need are left without.
When it gets really bad, who will America's hurting turn to? Who are our children going to turn to? Will they even be able to tell there are some of us who still believe it like we used to? Will they be able to see the Christians who truly wear Jesus on their countenance?

I need to do better and let Jesus be on my sleeve.

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Disposable People

I have been thinking about this topic for sometime now, and lately the relevance of the idea has become paramount in my own life, so I feel like I should say something.

All of us like to think we matter. Whether it is on our jobs, at church, or at least in our own families, we want to know we count. However, there is a perception that seems to evade many of us, that some people are, well, to put it in the easiest terms, not needed.

It seems society places such a huge stigma on certain people and if you do not fit the image that they expect of you, you simply are not needed; not even wanted sometimes. I know many of us at one time or other have felt like we were not wanted, but truth is we like to hide behind our fears and our insecurities and not even think we are the ones they are talking about.

Magazines, movies, television, and now even apostolics have placed us all in boxes based on our appearances, money, or other criteria. We look at people based on preconcieved ideas of who they must be based on our perceptions of what we have heard, or our own prejudices of certain features of life, and all of us are guilty of this in some fashion or other.
We like to think and rationalize our behavior by using other criteria to categorize people, but in the back of our mind we know what we really think. Let's be real here. "That person is too fat, too ugly, wears their hair funny, or doesn't wear the latest fashion, so they cannot possibly be as good me."

I laughed the other day when my son came home wearing clothes my mother would have thrown away when I was growing up because they looked like they came from the bottom of the rag bag. We wouldn't have been caught dead in clothes like that because we may have been considered poor, and we couldn't have that. My son, on the other hand was wearing clothes that were brand new. He bought them at the store that way, and paid entirely too much for them! But that is the style that is accepted now, and he wanted to fit in. I can relate to that, all of us want to fit in, but what about those people who do not fit the stereotypical criteria, do we exclude them just because they may not look, or act, like us?

Yes, we do. All of us are guilty of this on some level. Maybe we do not want to sit by the fat man on the bus because there is a chance he may smell, or near the mother with the baby on the airplane, because we want to have a good trip, and that doesn't include a crying baby next to us. Some of us would cross the street, rather than come close to someone of a different ethnic background, and most of us wouldn't even think of venturing in certain parts of town, because, well, that is where the bad, "insert ethnic group here", poor, druggies, drunks, live. We base our feelings based solely on who we think people are. Sometimes, we are afraid of people just because they look or act different.

This is never going to change. Society is always going to place stereotypes on certain people. The sad thing though, this same attitude has become pervasive in the church, and yes, even in the apostolic, pentecostal movement. If people do not fit our mold, we assign them a type, and we don't fellowship, associate, or God forbid, allow them to participate in our services. This is a travesty, and I am certain God is not proud of us.

We have become the Levite, willing to pray for the sick, hurt, abused, outsider, but we will not cross the street to see if we can help somehow. It is killing our churches, and it will change us all.

The scripture says, "I looked for one to stand in the gap, and didn't find one." That is the generation we live in. We are blessed, no doubt, and we think we have the best preachers, singers, teachers, that money can buy. Yes, I said that money can buy, because some churches base who is good enough to be even a praise singer, based on how much money they put in the offering or how much tithe they pay. Yes, it is a fact. It shouldn't be, but it is.

Countless churches build edifaces to themselves on the notion that they are building for revival. They take man-made objects and elevate the style of the building, and yes, even the style of worship on what they percieve is what is wanted in this 'contemporary society.' They call themselves apostolic, because Pentecostals have become more mainstream and even trinity, and they cannot possibly be associated with that. How arrogant we have become, in our standards and attitudes about others.

There are many churches created solely from people who have been hurt, and yet we claim God can heal, deliver, etc and that He is bringing revival while people who have gone to church for decades are headed out the door in marital problems, financial issues, or simply because they have realized no one really cares about them. I know I sound angry. I am!

The prophets of old were angry when they saw the people of God breaking the very rules of God simply because it wasn't the way they wanted to live. We have joined society in pushing aside people and our excuse is they must not have had a great relationship with Christ. Really? Just this past week someone told me the reason for a situation in a family was because they were in rebellion against the pastor. I asked how they knew that, and the lady talking to me, said "Honey, everyone knows they were out of line, just ask anyone in our church." Appalling.

Jesus came to heal, save, and deliver, but we have taken his message and used it to puff ourselves up; create cliques; and decide who is worthy of the blood. I am ashamed for everytime, I have thought of approaching someone to just be nice, and walked away because, they were fat, or weren't dressed right. How can we win the lost, or even be Godly ourselves if we categorize people?

We cannot.

Do you realize that had Jesus been born in our generation, he wouldn't have been allowed in our pulpits?

He was concieved in an unmarried woman, and so automatically some would have looked down on her. He came and made himself of none effect; in other words he chose to be born in a family that did not have wealth. His earthly parents made do with what they had, or worked hard. Even in the bible he wasn't considered a 'man of God.' They called him the carpenter's son. He did not many miracles amongst his own because of their unbelief in his power. Appalling I know, but in reality, we wouldn't have treated him any better.

There are always discussions about whether Jesus had a beard or long hair. He walked everywhere, or caught a ride, because he didn't own his own transportation. He didn't even own property, and slept wherever he could find rest.

Homeless!

He is the one we serve, and yet we won't show up to donate food most of the time to foodbanks, let alone give a homeless man a sandwich. I could go on and on, but I think you can get my point.

Jesus said 'inasmuch as you have done it unto others you have done it unto me.'

This doesn't just apply to feeding the hungry, but it also applies to those who are hurting, or perhaps have an unused ministry.

Why, preachers, pastors, do we not use the tools, talents, abilities God has given us? I know of ministers who have been pastors for years, and are now cast aside like yesterday's leftovers, while we bring in people without anointing to be the ministers. I was told by a friend of a pastor who uses his backslidden sons for his worship leaders when he knows the night before they were playing in a dance band at a local bar? WHAT?

It has been a long time, since I heard some elderly sister wail in the corner for lost souls. It has been a long time, since the value of people was not based on what they wore, or how they looked, but it was based on how they worshipped.
Gone are the days when we labored in the altar for one soul who might need Christ. Now, it seems as soon as the message is over, we are already at the local fast-food place in our minds, and the altars are empty.

I know all churches are not like this, but there are so many that are, that I wonder when Christ does come will he find us watching, or checking out a menu at McDonalds?

Where is our burden? We preach about soul winning, revival, and loving our neighbor, while we wipe our hands with antibacterial handcream after shaking hands, if we even do? Have we know faith, no compassion left?

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be lost! Jesus said to go after the halt, the lame, the poor, the wretched, that his house may be full. I don't know when it became how much you can put in the offering made a difference in the eyes of Jesus. He said the least shall be the greatest, and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted, and yet those with their heads bowed, sometimes in shame because they do not have the best, or cannot put much in the offering are looked at as less than good enough people. Disposable people.

Does anyone call them up when they miss a few services? Does anyone remember their name?

When he comes, there are going to be many who say, 'didn't we do this, or that in thy name?' He is going to shake his head sadly and say, 'I don't know you.' It really isn't what big thing we do for Christ, although that is what we say. It isn't the amount of money we put in the offering. It isn't whether or not we look the part. It isn't even if we can preach good.

It is whether we have done what we could to lift our brother who is hurting. It is whether or not we have called the lonely, or taken them out for a hamburger. It is the ones, that stoop low, and wash their brother's dirty feet, and give a blanket to the widow woman that are going to be sitting there next to Jesus on that day; the ones who have done to the least of these, have done it unto me.

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